Looking and Feeling Your Best (in photos and in real life)

I hope that everyone is ready for some Oprah-worthy advice. Sit down and take notes or, better yet, print this post. I had someone I knew from high school tell me I looked "the same" and how did I do it? It's all multiple layers of trickery...
Taking Good Pictures
1. Don't take pictures with skinny people. Find an excuse to get out of doing it... you have to pee, your child needs you, whatever. Don't do it.
2. To make number one easier you can do several things:

• Be the photographer
• Go out to eat with your friends often and ply them with beer and fried foods. Then eat lettuce yourself.
• You can't avoid taking pictures with family so learn from my mistakes. My sister-in-laws and sister are all pretty. If I could turn back time I would find wives for my brothers that were not as attractive and would have checked to make sure there weren't pretty women in Kevin's family before it was too late. I would also have slipped weight-gaining materials into my little sister's drinks. It is all too late for this.
• Be a recluse. If you don't have friends then you won't have friends who are skinnier than you.

3. Children and pets are great props and distractions in pictures and in real life.

• You can hold babies over your weak spots (notice how I usually hold Lila in front of my belly) or, when they are older, have them stand in front of you. This also works with big dogs. It doesn't work if your face is your weak spot because then the pictures will just look stupid.
• Dress your children cute. Then people will notice your cute children first and just do a cursory glance over you. The same applies to cute little dogs. They may think you are goofy if you dog is wearing clothes BUT that is still a good distraction. This is why I had Lila; the boys wouldn't let me dress them cute anymore (gym shorts and tee shirts!) so I had to have another baby to take the attention away from me.

4. Do NOT look your best in high school. I know it may be too late for you but think about it this way; just as you don't want your favorite team to be ranked pre-season number one you don't want to be the most attractive in high school. Teams that are ranked number one usually just fall hard. On the same token, if you look your best as a teenager you can only go downhill. That is why I wore frumpy clothes in high school. It was part of my master plan to get better with age.

Those are my pearls of wisdom for the day. Maybe for the month; my wisdom is in short supply so it may not come your way again anytime soon.